Dear Hillton....

My sweet baby Hill,

I didn't write you something to read at your tree service, and I feel like I will always regret that. I was too deep in my grief that I couldn't see past it. I didn't know I would wish I had talked to you that day. So, I hope you can read blogs in heaven, Bubs. 

I was 5 weeks pregnant when I found out I was going to be your mommy. I couldn't believe it. A baby of our own. I couldn't wait to tell your daddy. You should have seen his face light up when he realized our whole world would soon change. 

At 7 weeks I started bleeding and hurried to the hospital. I was so scared because I wanted you so bad, baby. I wanted you even though I had no idea who you were yet. All I knew was that you were made just for me. That day was the first time we ever saw you. A little, baby gummy bear with a strong heartbeat. Some hope. 

We had a fun time for the next 20 or so weeks. Everything was perfect. You started to kick me and we found out you were a BOY! We celebrated. You were already so loved, buddy. We ate chocolate sundaes and French fries as often as possible and took a belly picture every week. Mommy was getting BIG. 

At 27 weeks we started our first big challenge when I was put on hospital bed rest because you tried to come too early. You were ready....we were not. We got through the next 2 weeks together and I talked to you everyday and listened to your sweet, little heart rate. Music to our ears. 

12/14/15 something wasn't right. We knew you were on your way (for real this time!). It was too early but for some reason your daddy and I were so excited, giddy almost. There was no fear. You came into this crazy world screaming and we saw your precious face for the first time. I couldn't believe we made something so beautiful. We were so excited when you decided to be born. And the days following were wonderful. There was no doom. There was no sign of death. There was only joy and happiness and a longing to take you home. I am thankful for that. I am thankful there was only celebration. That's what you deserved, my sweet boy. Our baby.....So perfect.

12 days. 12 perfect days with you was all we had. It seems so short now that I'm typing it out, but I felt like I knew you my whole life, baby. You were meant for us. 

Christmas Eve will never be the same for us. The day you started to get sick. Mommy knew something wasn't right. It still hurts my heart to think about it. The day after Christmas...the 26th, we found out our time with you was running short. I can't talk about it much because it stings, buddy. No mommy and daddy should ever have to see their baby like that. It seemed like the cruelest punishment. Pure torture. Finally, when things started looking really bad, the doctor and nurses let us hold you. Even though I knew you were sick and you wouldn't be with us much longer, I only felt relief when they put you in my arms. The relief of a mommy who just wanted to scoop her baby up and comfort him. I felt like that morning lasted for days. I like to think that was God's other gift to us, next to you of course... He made a few hours feel like an eternity so we had as much time with you as possible. How awesome is that?!

Would you have liked trucks and tractors? Or watching football with your daddy? Would you have run to the couch fresh out of the bath to read a book with mommy? Would you have fought me when I tried to put your shoes on because you liked bare feet much better? What would your silly giggle sound like as daddy chased you around the house to tickle you? We had plans for you, buddy. It's hard. I thought we had more time. I will forever wonder what you would have looked like as a 3 year old and then as a teenager. What kind of person you would have been? I do know one thing... You had a purpose in this life, Hill. Your life matters. YOU matter. You have changed me and your daddy in more ways than we can count. I am a better person because of you. I will be a better mommy one day because of you, Bubs. But I did not want you to have to die for that cause. My world is brighter because I met you and darker because I lost you. 

The good news is there will be no more goodbyes. The next time we see each other will be forever, Punky. How sweet does that sound? My goal is to live a life that gets me back to you one day. I look forward to the day when I feel no more pain and I see your sweet face again. I'm confident that I will know it's you the moment I see you and that we will have an eternity together in heaven. That is what gets me through the days, Hill. Believing that I will see you and get to kiss your nose again.

 I try not to be too sad for you because I don't like to see my mommy sad and I know you don't either, but it's hard. I know you see me cry in bed at night when I realize I am another day farther from you and in the morning when I realize it's another day without you. I am different now, Bubs. This life no longer has the same meaning as it once did. Some things that were once important to me no longer are and my whole life revolves around you, now....as it should. I can't help but feel so much guilt, but I know I can't live like that. Would things have been different had I gone to the hospital sooner? What if I hadn't gotten up so much? Was I not going to be a good mommy so God changed his mind? I pray it doesn't work like that, Punky, but I will always wonder. 

 Do you know the depth of my love for you? It's intense and beautiful and just what it should be. I worry, buddy. Did I tell you I loved you enough that day you were so sick? How proud I was of you and that you did a good job as I held you for the last time on this earth? I tried to tell you so many times, pumpkin. Enough for a lifetime that I knew we would never get together.  My prayer is that you know our love for you.... That you know you are our one true accomplishment in this life and that we are proud of you beyond belief. I pray whenever someone is frustrated with their child, they think of you, buddy. That they recognize how lucky they are and that they think of all the things we have to miss out on without you. 

Don't grow up too quickly up there, buddy. Mommy can't wait to scoop you up and play all day long. Forever our perfect, 2lb 14 oz baby boy. Forever young and beautiful. How blessed we are to have known you, Hillton. You are our greatest gift in this life. You are our high note....and we want you to know that you are enough for us, baby. If we never get to do this again, you're still enough. That will never change. Our love for you is endless. To my perfect, first born, blonde baby boy....I love you. 

Love,

Mommy

26 Weeks!

How far along? 26 weeks! officially on the higher end of the 20's. YAY! Baby is the size of a butternut squash or a bowling pin :)
Total weight gain/loss: I've lost weight since my last doctor's appt. I've really been watching what I'm eating and incorporating MUCH more whole foods into my diet. I was getting a little carried away there for a while! Baby and I also rang in 26 weeks with our glucose test this morning! The drink was actually really good (lemon lime flavor)...I kind of wanted another...but not bad enough to go back for the 3 hour test..;) and I felt really good afterward so I feel like that's a good sign! I'm not sure when I'll get my results, but my next dr. appt is December 3rd!
Maternity clothes? Still just some leggings, jeans and a few shirts. I wear normal clothes and workout clothes most of the time.
Stretch marks? None yet...hoping it stays this way! 
Sleep: Sleeping really great, but getting comfortable is starting to be difficult. Especially if I sit/lay in one spot for too long. My hips have really started hurting...specifically my right one. Starting to experience some Sciatic pain which i've always had, it's just getting worse with pregnancy
Best moment this week?: We registered! and it was so much fun. I let Cliff hold the registry gun and he was very excited about that :) I think we picked out some really cute things! 
Miss Anything? Not much these days! Being able to breathe is probably the only thing. In pictures I feel like he's really low but i definitely have a hard time picking things up/walking up stairs, so I feel like he's all up in my lungs!
Movement: Back to not moving as much this week, but I did see his first BIG rolls a few nights ago from the outside. It was so cute.
Food cravings: Waffles with syrup...specifically Waffle House waffles. omg.
Gender: A perfect, sweet baby boy :)
Anything making you queasy or sick: Nothing this week!
Have you started to show yet: Oh yes...He's a big boy!
Labor Signs: Not for at least 11 more weeks, please!
Belly Button in or out? It's hanging on for dear life....and losing. The top is no longer an innie.
Wedding rings on or off? On and loose
Happy or Moody most of the time: Very happy!
Looking forward to: Thanksgiving this week and finishing up this semester of school! Just about 2-3 more weeks! 

TWENTY-FIVE WEEKS!

How far along? 25 weeks! Baby is the size of a napa cabbage...huh? or a baseball glove....or a prairie dog!
Total weight gain/loss: I'm not a fan of this question this week. I stepped on the scale at my doctor's office last Friday and saw that I have gained ELEVEN pounds in 5 weeks. ugh. My doctor didn't seem super concerned, but I'm laying off the carbs and sweet and going in for my glucose test Monday. :-/ I feel like this is a cruel joke right before Thanksgiving and when we were supposed to go to the fair. No fried oreos for me this year!
Maternity clothes? Still just some leggings and a few shirts. I wear normal clothes and workout clothes most of the time.
Stretch marks? None yet...hoping it stays this way! 
Sleep: Sleeping really great and falling asleep on the couch every night :)
Best moment this week?: Nothing in particular...got some shopping done and heard the baby's heart rate at my doctor appt. That's always the best!
Miss Anything? Shaving is getting pretty hard...
Movement: He's back to being a wiggle worm. I feel him pretty much all the time. I can even SEE him kick from the outside, now. It's pretty crazy.
Food cravings: Since I'm laying off any type of "fun" food... I'll skip this question. :-/
Gender: A perfect, sweet baby boy :)
Anything making you queasy or sick: Nothing this week and any kidney pain has not been back! Yay!
Have you started to show yet: Oh yes...He's a big boy!
Labor Signs: Not for at least 12 more weeks, please!
Belly Button in or out? It's hanging on for dear life....and losing. 
Wedding rings on or off? On and loose
Happy or Moody most of the time: Pretty emotional again, but always very happy!
Looking forward to: Thanksgiving in ONE week! :) Whoooo!

and just for a fun comparison.....whoa mama!!

24 Weeks!

How far along? 24 weeks! Baby is the size of an eggplant or a cantaloupe. BIG!
Total weight gain/loss: I'll find out Friday! 
Maternity clothes? Some...I am starting to see that they are a little more comfy! I love my maternity leggings. 
Stretch marks? None yet...hoping it stays this way! 
Sleep: Sleeping great aside from waking up with the dogs about 2x a night to let them out. Our dog, Kiera has been having some stomach issues :-/... I like to think it's good practice ;)
Best moment this week?: Spending the week with our little niece! I'm watching her a few hours a day until mid-December. She is so sweet and content and we've been having so much fun. Also, we took our hospital tour this week and LOVE it. It's such a quaint, sweet hospital. We are really excited to have our baby there and it was pretty surreal knowing the next time we're there it will be to meet our boy! 
Miss Anything? Not dying of trying to catch my breath from walking up a flight of stairs. It's getting pretty comical. Also, it's already getting pretty difficult to get up off our couch from a laid back position.
Movement: His movements slowed way down last week and it worried me a little, but I've heard babies at this stage go through periods of rest and active periods. He's back to moving pretty regularly. I still don't feel him as strongly as I thought I would by this point. My placenta is anterior, though so that may have something to do with it?
Food cravings: Can't say I have anything I HAVE to have this week. Cake always sounds good.
Gender: A perfect, sweet baby boy :)
Anything making you queasy or sick: No morning sickness....But I'm pretty positive I have a kidney stone. Saturday night I started having very sharp, constant pains in my back on my left side. I've had a kidney stone before and it was a similar feeling. It finally let up enough for me to sleep and hasn't hurt since which makes me think the stone was moving which is why I was in pain. All I know is after that, labor should be a real treat....
Have you started to show yet: Yes! And I think he's grown even more just over the weekend. My belly has gotten BIG. It's hard to believe I'll continue to stretch for 3-4 more months.
Labor Signs: oh no... It will be so crazy when this answer is yes! I hope not for a good, long while. 
Belly Button in or out? I wouldn't say it's officially popped yet but the top is definitely not an innie any more.
Wedding rings on or off? On and loose
Happy or Moody most of the time: Feeling very emotional this week over nothing. I can understand now when pregnant women say they don't know why they're crying. I totally get it. 
Looking forward to: Registering and Thanksgiving! I've heard being pregnant over Thanksgiving is something to be excited about. Can't wait!

23 weeks!

How far along? 23 weeks! Baby is the size of a bunch of grapes! (insert all the heart eyes here)
Total weight gain/loss: Won't officially know again until November 13th! I weighed myself at work the other day and it said I was up 12 lbs from pre pregnancy...however, that scale was weighing heavy compared to my doctor office scale, so I'm going to go with their numbers ;)
Maternity clothes? Some...I am starting to see that they are a little more comfy! I love my maternity leggings. 
Stretch marks? None yet...hoping it stays this way! 
Sleep: Sleeping great....and just fine with going to bed before 9:30 every night :)
Best moment this week?: laying down every night and being able to feel him move. It is our favorite part of the day!
Miss Anything? Not a thing!....okay maybe breathing normally...I feel like that's only going to get worse, though! 
Movement: Moving like a mad man! He is getting stronger everyday and his movements are getting more and more regular. I can see my belly move from the outside, now and can feel when he's close the the surface. I'm not sure what i'm feeling but I know it is definitely one of his body parts. He is getting so big! 
Food cravings: Hot chocolate with whipped cream on top. omg.
Gender: A perfect, sweet baby boy :)
Anything making you queasy or sick: Nothing! Thank goodness
Have you started to show yet: definitely! People ask me about him all the time now. It's fun!
Labor Signs: oh no... It will be so crazy when this answer is yes! I hope not for a good, long while. 
Belly Button in or out? In...but already getting more shallow.....really shallow. The top has started to pop a little bit. Isn't it a little early for this?! :-/
Wedding rings on or off? On and loose
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy, happy, happy!
Looking forward to: Hospital tour tomorrow and all of the holiday festivities coming up! 

22 Weeks!

How far along? 22 weeks! Baby is the size of an ear of corn... how cute!
Total weight gain/loss: Won't officially know again until November 13th! With the way I'm eating though, i'm betting on around 8-10 lbs by then 
Maternity clothes? All the clothes in my picture this week are from my regular wardrobe! With the pants unbuttoned :)
Stretch marks? None yet...hoping it stays this way! My stomach has been quite itchy this week, though. Trying to drink more water and continue to lather up!
Sleep: Sleeping great....and just fine with going to bed before 9:30 every night :)
Best moment this week?: Seeing our boy last Friday on Ultrasound! He is beautiful and perfect and we are so proud of him. He is extremely healthy, too! YAY!
Miss Anything? I can honestly say I don't :) I've had such a wonderful, amazing experience. I'm enjoying every second. It's going by so quickly. I know all the things I may "miss" will come back around too soon. The only thing would maybe be not worrying so much. I better get used to that, though!
Movement: I can definitely feel some of his movements from the outside, now. However, his movements vary from one day to the next. Some days I feel him A LOT... some days not so much. My placenta is Anterior, though so it may be padding some of his kicks. 
Food cravings: I had a dream about fish tacos the other night and now I can't quit thinking about them.
Gender: A perfect, sweet baby boy :)
Anything making you queasy or sick: I got very hot and uncomfortable in class the other day...I must have had a hormone surge or something because it went away pretty quickly. Other than that, just some reflux/heartburn 
Have you started to show yet: definitely! People ask me about him all the time now. It's fun!
Labor Signs: oh no... It will be so crazy when this answer is yes! I hope not for a good, long while. 
Belly Button in or out? In...but already getting more shallow.....really shallow. The top has started to pop a little bit. Isn't it a little early for this?! :-/
Wedding rings on or off? On and loose
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy, happy, happy!
Looking forward to: Registering and our hospital tour next week

21 weeks!

How far along? 21 weeks! Baby is the size of a carrot or a pomegranate. Somehow those two things are not the same size to me. Who knows! 
Total weight gain/loss: Won't officially know again until November 13th at my next appt unless they weigh me at my ultrasound this Friday. Probably still up 5-7 lbs. 
Maternity clothes? some maternity jeans and a few maternity stretchy tops but mainly just wearing my regular clothes still. They look a little different on these days ;)
Stretch marks? None yet...hoping it stays this way! My stomach isn't as itchy as it was, but I have also been upping my belly butter game. We will see. I'm hoping for none. 
Sleep: Sleeping great....and just fine with going to bed before 9:30 every night :)
Best moment this week?: Feeling the baby move. Best feeling EVER.
Miss Anything? I can honestly say I don't :) I've had such a wonderful, amazing experience. I'm enjoying every second. It's going by so quickly. I know all the things I may "miss" will come back around too soon.
Movement: Everyday his movements get more and more noticeable. It is so crazy to me how fast he is growing. I can actually FEEL him getting stronger each day. I'm gonna need him to slow his roll a little bit. Before I know it he'll be skipping off to college. Slow down, kid!
Food cravings: cereal. Breakfast, lunch and dinner it sounds so good. 
Anything making you queasy or sick: none
Have you started to show yet: definitely! He is really starting to make himself known. Strangers and people who don't know i'm pregnant at work have definitely started to notice. It's so funny because some people are scared to ask so they will just kind of dance around the question like "you have any big life changes going on lately?" or "Are y'all planning on having kids any time very, very soon?" It cracks me up!
Gender: A perfect, sweet, healthy baby BOY!
Labor Signs: oh no... It will be so crazy when this answer is yes! I hope not for a good, long while. 
Belly Button in or out? In...but already getting more shallow.....really shallow. The top has started to pop a little bit. Isn't it a little early for this?! :-/
Wedding rings on or off? On and loose
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy, happy, happy!
Looking forward to: Our anatomy ultrasound on the 23rd and our 4 year anniversary TOMORROW! Time flies.